| A Message from the Kalever Rebbe | |
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| The first step to Teshuvah is to stop blaming others | |
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 | Pessach-Haggada - The Bayerische Staatsbibliothek Cod.hebr. 200 |
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| "You shall send away the mother, and the children take for yourself". (Devarim 22:7) | |
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| R' Avraham Dov from Chamelnik asked a young married man, "Do you study Torah?" | |
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| "A little," answered the man. | |
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| "How do you earn your livelihood?" | |
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| "My father-in-law supports me." | |
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| "Why, then, do you only spend a little time learning? You should spend most of your time!?" | |
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| "My wife told me that I need to spend time in the marketplace exploring different career options so that when I need to earn a living myself, I will be able to," replied the man. | |
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| R' Abraham responded, "After Adam sinned, the Torah tells us (Breishis 3:12), And the man said, "The woman whom You gave [to be] with me she gave me of the tree; so I ate." The phrase "with me" is perplexing. It should have simply said "the woman that You gave me." However, the Torah is teaching an important lesson. Adam admitted he could have not listened. He could have resisted the temptation. However, the same idea that Chava had was "with him" as well. In his heart, he also wanted to eat from the fruit." | |
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| Adam didn't make excuses for his part in the sin. | |
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| The Satmar Ruv once asked a chasid about his spiritual shortcomings. "What can I do? My wife doesn't want me to be like that," answered the chasid. | |
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| The Ruv answered: "When a man blames his sins on his 'bitter' wife, you must remember the pasuk (Shemos 15:23), 'because they were bitter - he named her bitter'. The Torah describes that "they" were bitter. When a husband blames his wife, it is because he himself is bitter. However, he wants to vindicate his behavior by blaming his wife for his own bitterness." | |
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| Too many men use this excuse. They blame their wives for having less time to learn, or for holding them back from growing. Their wives don't allow them to attend a shiur at night or spend more time in shul. Or, their wives force them to have certain devices in the home. Or, men claim that, even after they have everything they need, they need to work harder and longer hours to provide even more luxuries for the demand of their wives and children. | |
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| Many times, women and children, who are constantly socializing, feel they need to have the same luxuries and lifestyle as their neighbors and friends. And, the husband does feel the pressure to provide for that lifestyle. | |
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| However, Chazal taught (Soteh 47a), "With regard to the evil inclination, to a child, and to a woman, the left hand should reject and the right hand should welcome". The Seforim HaKedoshim (Noam Magadim, Parshas Behar) explain, that the Yetzer Harah will try and deter you from your Avodas Hashem by using your family as an excuse. On one hand, you need to reject the Yetzer Harah's temptations, while also bringing your family closer and guiding them to withstand the desire to assimilate into modern-day culture. | |
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| Just like a person tries to protect his family from physical harm, so too, he must do everything he can to protect them from the spiritual threats that surround them. | |
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| When a person is disappointed with their own spirituality, their commitment to Torah and mitzvos, they commonly blame external factors. | |
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| This is a dangerous habit. It completely cripples someone from making an honest, and subjective self-assessment of their spiritual life. Instead, they blame factors that are "beyond their control." And, therefore, they feel like they cannot change their current spiritual circumstances. | |
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| This perspective is the trickery of the Yetzer Harah. It wants you to believe that change is impossible and that you cannot elevate your spirituality. | |
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| A person must realize that everything depends on him. He needs to hold himself accountable while also believing that he has the power to change. | |
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| Chazal relates (Avodah Zorah 17a) that R' Eliezer ben Dordaya was a grave sinner until he was inspired to do teshuva. However, when that inspiration came, he felt that teshuva was too difficult to do due to the magnitude of his past behaviors. He begged others to pray for mercy. His supplications went unanswered until he said, "This depends solely on me." Once he had that realization, he was able to properly do teshuva and a Heavenly Voice announced, "R' Eliezer ben Dordaya is prepared for a life in the World to Come." | |
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| This lesson can be applied to our pasuk as well: | |
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| "You shall send away the mother and the children" – stop blaming your spiritual shortcomings on your wife, the mother of your household. And, don't blame the young, don't use your children as an excuse. | |
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| Rather, "take for yourself", realize that everything is dependent on you. You are in control. And you can make different choices. You have the power to not only change your life but empower your entire family to choose the right and just path. | |
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| By doing so, you will be blessed "and you should lengthen your days". | |
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