"Yaakov said to Eisav: Why should I seek to find favor in your eyes?" (Breishis 33:15)
We know that the Torah is eternal and is always teaching us practical lessons for our avodas Hashem. What lesson can we derive from this dialogue between Yaakov and Eisav?
Children Are Impressionable
This generation faces tremendous challenges in chinuch, the education and raising of children. Parents struggle to raise children who are wholesome, have good middos, and who learn Torah and perform the Mitzvos. It is difficult to raise children who, as they grow older, remain committed to Torah and Mitzvos, with excitement and love. So many children become lost, may Hashem protect us.
One of the fundamental forces that pulls these children away, are their "friends". The people and individuals that the child allows into their space, into their trust. Everyone – especially children – are driven by a sense of belonging. We want friends. Commonly, we do whatever we can to impress and imitate those we want to belong to; we want their acceptance.
With the advancement of technology, it has become even easier for children to connect to new people, to befriend strangers from around the world. I have personally seen children – good children from beautiful, emotionally healthy and good Jewish homes – become lost; dragged down by the social circles they chose for themselves.
When we see a child like this, a child drifting away from Torah and Mitzvos, being led astray by a circle of ill company, of bad friends, it is not enough to simply inspire this child to return and do teshuva. We must strike at the root of the problem; and tackle head-on the source; we must educate the child to distance himself from friends who are a bad influence, and who do not have his best interest in mind, as Reb Yossi teaches in Pirkei Avos (2:9), "What is the evil path a person should distance himself from? Evil friends."
We All Want to Belong
Why do people – children and adults alike – seek out bad friends, ill company, those who clearly do not share your values?
People have an innate desire to find favor in the eyes of others; to have a sense of belonging fulfilled through human connectivity. To impress them and find affirmation.
But, it goes beyond that. When a person wants to find "favor" in someone's eyes, they subconsciously or consciencely think that this person can help them; that this will be beneficial relationship.
This is clearly a flaw in someone's faith, emunah. When a yid knows and believes that everything comes from Hashem, that He alone provides the brachah, the goodness, in his life, then he would realize the inescapable truth: the only favor you must find is in the eyes of the Creator, of Hashem.
The Difference Between a Yaakov and a Eisav
Yaakov distanced himself from the wicked, from ill company, for those who would bring him down spiritually. He chose to sit in the tents of Torah learning, in the beis medresh. He knew to watch over his deeds carefully and to learn Torah, despite opposition from the people around him.
On the other hand, you have Eisav. The Heichel Bracha quotes the Arizal who taught that Eisav had an extremely holy neshama, soul. If Eisav utilized that potential for goodness, had he redirected his power towards the right and holy purposes, he would have been 1000 times greater than Yaakov.
However, we know that in every beginning the Yetzer Harah is the most challenging, the most cunning the most committed to ensuring you fail. At the beginning of Eisav's life, a life that was infused with this mighty potential, the Yetzer Harah was equally strong and Eisav succumbed to being a hunter and "man of the field."
He didn't find his way to the tents of Torah. He would walk around the markets and hang out in the streets befriending the wrong crowd. These friends were immersed in a culture of murder, illicit promiscuous relationships and idol worship. And, Eisav used his skills to deceive his father and convince him that he was good man doing good things. That's how he became the leader of 400 murderers.
The difference between Yaakov and Eisav was who they wanted to impress; who did they want to find favor with. Eisav wanted to impress and be liked by the people that surrounded him and therefore he connected with them and tried to behave like one of them; to fit in.
Yaakov, on the other hand, wanted to find favor with Hashem. His whole purpose for living, his entire being was dedicated to pleasing Hashem. He didn't care if people mocked him or if people looked down on him because he was "frummer" than they were. Their opinions meant nothing to Yaakov because he only cared about one thing: what does Hashem think of me and my behavior.
Who Really Cares About Your Well Being
When someone tries to fulfill their sense of belonging from the non-Jewish culture around him, nothing positive is born from those relationships in the end. We know, from Chazal, that a non-Jew cannot perform a try act of selfless kindness; there is always a quid pro quo, there always needs to be something gained in return.
The pasuk in Mishlei (14:34) says, "The chesed, kindness, of the non-Jewish nations is a sin" Chazal interprets this verse and teaches, (Bava Basra 10b) that that when a non-Jew does a Chesed, it is solely for their own personal gain.
The Tears of the Brothers
When Yaakov and Eisav finally meet, they kissed and wept. The commentators all ask, if they kissed, why were they crying? The seforim hakedoshim answer, that they both were crying over the kiss, but for different reasons. Eisav was crying because he had to kiss Yaakov. And Yaakov was crying because he knew that this kiss would cost him something; no gentile does a kindness for a Jew without expecting something in return.
Rabbi Yehonatan Eibshitz explained ,why after defiling their sister Dina, Yaakov's sons asked all the people of Shechem to circumcise themselves. The reson is, because they believed that this horrific deed required retribution through the death penalty, but they were worried that if they annihilated Shechem, the news would rapidly spread and cause an outrage of other nations. Therefore, first, they converted them through the circumcision making them like Jews. Only after that, could they annihilate them without worrying about the retribution of other nations, because the other nations have always stood aside as Jewish blood has been spilled.
This has been idly true throughout the generations, especially during the Holocaust. The non-Jewish world stood by while millions of Jews were being round up, packed into cattle cars and murdered. For the most part, they didn't struggle or try to help. They didn't care, despite these Jews spending a lifetime trying to befriend them, to be good neighbors, to blend into their host culture. All of the efforts to find favor in the eyes of the non-Jews were for naught when the horrors of the Holocaust came to fruition. There were no protest. Just silence.
Yaakov Rejects the Influence of Eisav
We see this theme, this message, throughout the encounter with Eisav.
Eisav wanted to recruit Yaakov, to befriend him so that Yaakov would learn from his evil ways, from his lifestyle. This is why Eisav invites Yaakov to travel together with him.
But, Yaakov declines and tells his brother that he must travel alone "at the pace of the work before me and according to the pace of my children". With these words, Yaakov was explaining why he could not befriend Eisav: he needed to focus on his work, his avodas Hashem, and he needed to be mindful of the example his was setting for his children. Both would be threatened by the influence of Eisav; by them becoming friends.
But Eisav would not give up. He continued: "Let me leave with you some of the people who are with me" (Breishis 33:15) - I can provide guides and teachers who can get you acclimated to the culture here. They can educate the children and help them assimilate, to "fit in".
Yaakov stood his ground and answered: "Why should I seek to find favor in your eyes?"
Yaakov rejected the friendship; he protected his family from a social network that would threaten their spiritual well-being. And, Yaakov said this loudly and proudly before all the people that were there; before the people of Eisav and before Yaakov's family.
A Timeless Lesson
This is a critical lesson in our avodas Hashem. We must not allow our desire to belong, our need to connect with others, to lead us to building relationships that will erode our spiritual well being; that would weaken our commitment to Torah and Mitzvos.
We don't need to be "liked" or to find favor in the eyes of people who truly don't have our best interest in mind, our spiritual interest. The only favor we need to find is in the eyes of the creator, Hashem. Our sense of belonging should drive us to connect with and have a deep relationship with Hashem, through His Torah and Mitzvos.
We need to instill this in the hearts of our children while they are young and impressionable. We must teach them to choose their friends wisely. They need to avoid circles of friends that would drive them away from their purpose in this world and connect with friends, communities, Rabbonim and teachers who will encourage them, help them spiritually.
They need to learn, as do all yidden regardless of their age, to surround themselves with people who can encourage their spiritual growth, help them fulfill Hashem's Will in this world.
By doing so, you should merit healthy, happy children who have a deep love for Hashem, His Torah and Mitzvos. Amen.
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